The Emotional Need for Security
There are many life coaches and therapists that proclaim that we need to “get out of our comfort zone.” There is also a push in the therapeutic community (and likely elsewhere, although I have no reference point for that) for seeking safety and security. There is even a workshop taught by clinicians called “Seeking Safety,” which has been reported to be quite useful for people struggling with addictive behaviors, from the actual people themselves, when speaking freely.
In looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs above (which has been the object of a lot of criticism), the bottom two levels (physiological needs and need for safety and security) are critical for the survival of any person. Many of us have either known people, or have been in a situation wherein these needs were threatened. There are also many unscrupulous people out there who take advantage of others, usually through some manipulative measure to “get people out of their comfort zones,” and in so doing, bilk them them for a lot of money (which, oddly in turn, seems to keep these unscrupulous people in quite the comfort zone) and then blame them for lack of results.
We need to have security, with others first, not ourselves. This is how we were all first introduced to the idea of security. This is also how we learn anything at all. I understand that this is not a popular concept, in our individualistic, somewhat self-centered, self-sufficient culture here in the US. And, this notion of having security with others is the way that it is. It is how we all learn. We learn from other people, through observing and doing what others do (for better or worse). We have great need for safe people, not safe spaces. For the most part, a safe person can make any space safe. Through this, these wonderful, safe people teach us how to help others feel and be safe.
How might we recognize safe people? Safe people are people who treasure the first two levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and would want to keep us all secure in these. The additional component that I have noticed with these gems of humanity is that they notice and respect others’ skills and abilities. It is a good practice to notice people who notice others’ skills and abilities. I was introduced to this notion from a colleague that I respect. She always was fascinated with what people did to endure difficult circumstances, and sometimes, she would tell them. Even if she didn’t tell them, when she would tell me, her whole face would light up with delight at someone else’s amazing abilities and skills. Her value of deep appreciation helped me feel safe. It’s a skill of hers that I am trying to learn, as I have been on the other end of that skill, and I can feel how healing it can be.
If you accept the challenge, take note today on people’s skills and abilities. It may be worth reflecting on in a journal, if you do that kind of thing.
